I want to share my story in the hopes of helping someone else who might be going through something similar. Recently, at the age of 51, I received an ADHD diagnosis. It was a shock, to say the least. For most of my life, I thought ADHD was something that primarily affected children. The news stirred up a mix of emotions—embarrassment, shame, and disbelief. But as I began to learn more, I realized that ADHD had been with me all along, undiagnosed.
Navigating through the stages of grief that came with this revelation has been a journey. I've cycled through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance several times. I want to share my experiences because I know some of you may be going through similar feelings.
Denial
In the denial stage, I struggled to accept my diagnosis. After all, I had spent over 30 years as an educator, successfully managing classrooms and teaching countless students. How could someone like me, with such a long career and a seemingly functional life, have ADHD? I couldn't wrap my head around it, thinking that if I truly had ADHD, surely I would have known it by now.
But then I realized that ADHD doesn't look the same for everyone. It's not just about hyperactivity or difficulty focusing. Sometimes, it can manifest in subtle ways, like forgetting appointments, losing track of time, or struggling to stay organized. The more I learned, the more I saw how my life's challenges lined up with these symptoms. And that helped me see that having ADHD didn't invalidate my accomplishments. In fact, it might explain some of the struggles I faced along the way, and that was okay.
I also felt ashamed and embarrassed, worried about what others might think. Would people question my abilities as an educator or a mother? Would they judge me? I learned that these feelings are common among those with late-diagnosed ADHD. It’s crucial to remember that ADHD is a medical condition, not a reflection of your character or intelligence. It's something you can learn to manage and navigate.
Anger
The anger stage was challenging, and it brought up deep-rooted emotions. I felt resentment toward myself for not recognizing the signs of ADHD sooner. My mother was a career educator, my husband of almost 20 years is also an educator, and yet neither of them knew. How could I have gone through my whole life with ADHD without someone close to me noticing?
This realization stirred up anger toward my parents, especially my mother. I resented the disciplinary actions they took against me for behaviors that, in hindsight, were manifestations of my ADHD. There was also anger toward other educators and authority figures who had overlooked the signs, and toward friends and coworkers who judged me or said hurtful things, unaware of the struggles I was facing.
I felt like my whole life had been a struggle against a tide that nobody understood. These feelings of anger and frustration were real and overwhelming, but I found ways to channel that energy into something constructive. I sought therapy, joined support groups, and learned more about ADHD, which helped me better understand my condition and find peace with my past.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage led me down a path of reflection, thinking about all the things I might have done differently had I known about my ADHD sooner. This brought up many "what-ifs" that weighed heavily on me. What if I had known earlier? Would I have been a better wife, mother, and friend? Could I have been more successful in my career?
I also reflected on personal struggles I had faced, including addiction and financial issues. I thought about how my impulsivity and lack of focus might have contributed to these problems. I wondered if knowing about my ADHD earlier could have helped me avoid these pitfalls and led to a more stable and fulfilling life.
But in those moments, I reminded myself that the past cannot be changed, and dwelling on it would only bring more pain. Instead, I focused on what I could do now to manage my symptoms and build a brighter future. This meant working with my therapist, developing coping strategies, and forgiving myself for past mistakes.
I made the decision that I could not change the last 30 years, but I could impact the next 30 years.
Depression
Depression was a particularly difficult stage to navigate. I felt sadness and hopelessness wash over me as I reflected on past choices, missed opportunities, and the potential that my ADHD had hindered. Guilt and shame added to the weight, and I often wondered if my life would ever get better. The pressure of trying to move forward while feeling anchored to the past was overwhelming.
During this struggle, I began journaling my thoughts and emotions to process my feelings and make sense of my journey. This practice helped me to externalize my inner turmoil, turning my pain into words on a page. Over time, these writings became the content for my published journal, Journey of Growth: Reflections for Women Discovering Their ADHD Strengths, which provides tips, affirmations, and journal prompts for women with late-diagnosed ADHD. Journaling provided a cathartic release and a sense of purpose.
Journaling and therapy helped me recognize that having an ADHD diagnosis offered an opportunity for healing and growth. With the support of my therapist, I worked through my feelings, learning to be kinder to myself and to see the diagnosis as a stepping stone rather than a setback.
Acceptance
Acceptance was a crucial stage for me, and it came with a mixture of realizations and self-compassion. I started recognizing that some of the strategies and coping skills I had developed over my life were actually ways to manage my undiagnosed ADHD. This helped me see that despite my struggles, I had found ways to navigate through life and become a relatively successful adult.
This realization was empowering, as it showed me that ADHD didn't define my abilities or potential. It also encouraged me to share my story openly, becoming more comfortable telling people that I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 51. This transparency helped me accept my diagnosis even further and feel less isolated in my journey.
Armed with this acceptance, I began implementing new strategies and tools to manage my symptoms more effectively, which led to improvements in my daily life. This brought a sense of relief and peace, allowing me to view my diagnosis not as a limitation, but as an opportunity to understand myself better and continue growing.
I started to feel like myself again. Well, Me 2.0.
Moving Forward
If you're a mom or woman with late-diagnosed ADHD, know that you're not alone. You might be experiencing similar emotions and stages of grief, but remember that healing takes time, and strategies exist to help you live a fulfilling life. Be patient and kind to yourself, and know that you're not alone on this journey.
I'm passionate about spreading awareness about late-diagnosed ADHD in women. It's important to remember that ADHD can be diagnosed at any age, and understanding this can help others find the support they need.
I hope my story can inspire and support others. Remember, I'm not a mental health professional—I'm just a woman on a growth journey, hoping to share my experiences to support and inspire others along the way. Late-diagnosed ADHD isn't a failure; it's an opportunity to understand yourself better and make positive changes. There's hope and healing on the other side.
'Til Later!
-Erica